Today is the 11th January 2024. It's 4:13pm and I am supposed to be doing a uni assignment - a series of blog posts. It's what got me thinking about this small corner of the internet; a tiny vessel of my past.
4 years ago, I wrote that I wondered where I would be in 4 years time.
I remember writing that like it was yesterday.
How has it been 4 years?
How do I condense 4 years of memories into a post that won't take me 4 more years to write?
Me and J are a couple and we have been for almost 4 years. That's crazy. We're 21. Where does the time go?
I don't miss you, P. You ruined a lot of things for me. Your family don't like me and it's your fault. You pretend you are perfect and let your mum coddle you. Because of that, and the fact J doesn't, means she thinks I'm taking him away from her. I'm not.
You asked me to break up with my boyfriend for you. You were my BEST FRIEND. My boyfriend is your twin brother. Like you would really date me after that? Knowing I was kissing you how I once kissed him? Holding you and hearing your heart pound like I did with him all those times?
Going to university was the best thing that happened to you and I because it separated us.
You were my best friend and you told me you could rape me if I didn't leave him for you.
Why would I want you? You are nasty and you are bitter and I feel sorry for your girlfriend.
Besides getting me away from him, university has been the worst time of my life. It isn't always fun and the best years of your life. I appreciate having more free time than I ever would with a job, but having to pour hours into writing essays on a subject you aren't passionate about? It's draining.
I still try to be positive. I guess this looks like my outlook on life is significantly more dull; I saw more sunshine and rainbows when I was 17. But that's good, life should be all happiness, boys and butterflies when you're a teenager.
I have learned a lot in these 4 years, I think when giving an overview it seems like life has harshened me.
I was happier 4 years ago, I hadn't been hurt yet. I think though even with the power of hindsight and the crap P put me through...I would do it all again. I love J. I want a life with him. One day I know I will be writing a little message here to even more future Molly about how I am having his baby and how excited I am to meet the product of our love.
And I am excited. I want a future and a life with the man I love, but it isn't like we haven't had our ups and downs.
I'm meaner now.
I resent myself for it.
We are comfortable; he is my best friend and he knows me better than he knows himself.
He also knows how to hurt me. He doesn't stand up for me or choose me when it matters.
I think part of me resents him for that. And I can't always stop myself from showing it.
I opened up to him with my past of disordered eating.
I've been called fat since I was 9, hated my body since i was 6. I remember. My nan is always quick to comment on my weight and even though sometimes it's positive, if I lose weight, it's just a painful reminder that in some ways, my worth is tied to my weight.
In 2020 i stopped eating and lost 3 stone. Great, I was happy with that.
When I went off to uni in Sept. 2020 I met something new called Binge Eating. I have always been a boredom and comfort eater, but this was different. I had no control and I couldn't stop. I gained every pound I had lost and more.
I managed to stop binge eating but being in a healthy and new relationship was also bad for my wasitline.
We would always eat together; going out for dinners or lunch or getting a takeaway. But it made him happy that I would finally eat with him, and would always reassure me that I was beautiful...So I relaxed. I finally felt happy and confident with myself.
Then he told me that I'm fat. He wishes I was skinny, my thighs are too big and my 'double chin' is unattractive and off-putting. And my breasts are too small. I'm too big where I shouldn't be and too small where I should be.
Great.
I don't think I will ever be able to fully forgive him for that one. It feels like no matter what he says or how he acts, deep down I will always know what he truly thinks of me.
I am disgusting.
We are great together and I know this.
We are soulmates and best friends and usually we get along so well. My family always says that he loves me so much and it's so obvious. I wish it felt so obvious to me.
I am of course missing out the good, but in recent years I have been struggling with depression again. I am comfortable in my room doing my thing, I struggle to go out. J loves walking and being outside. In theory I do too. But I also don't. It also reminds me and makes me painfully aware that I'm unfit and I am gross. Too gross to be with a slim boy. Let alone in a situation where it shows how unfit I am.
2 years ago T's girlfriend S came into my life. I love her. I never had a sister and now I do. She really is a girl's girl. She is beautiful and kind, compassionate and intelligent. She will lift you up and never talk about people badly in terms of looks. Personality is fair game and I respect that. I can't wait for us to have a future like modern family; so close with our kids being best friends, and an open door policy at all times. Looking ahead is exciting.
Mum and dad got me a steam deck for Christmas alongside so many other things. I am still so eternally grateful and i know i am lucky.
I can't even begin to list what else I got, but I think I have pictures.
We lost grandad nearly 2 years ago and granny nearly 1 year ago,
He didn't see T turn 18. He didn't see me turn 21. He didn't see us pass our driving tests.
He won't see me get my own house. He won't see me get married. He won't see my children.
I miss him.
I passed my driving test in December 2022 and in August 2023 I got the rats I always wanted.
I'm in the process of moving a lot of my things into storage because I need more space in my bedroom. I think I may even be removing the carpet, repainting and redecorating/refurnishing some parts.
See how lucky I am?
This is all so brief because I have things to do and there are so many memories in my head that I can't even order the thoughts in my head to logically get them out...I think that's apparent because all of this writing is a bit all over the place. But it's okay.
I am blessed and lucky. I am grateful. I love my family and I know they love me.
I think I'm happy.
Where will I be in another 4 years?
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