I guess I'm an adult now

Today is the 11th January 2024. It's 4:13pm and I am supposed to be doing a uni assignment - a series of blog posts. It's what got me thinking about this small corner of the internet; a tiny vessel of my past.

4 years ago, I wrote that I wondered where I would be in 4 years time. 

I remember writing that like it was yesterday.

How has it been 4 years?

How do I condense 4 years of memories into a post that won't take me 4 more years to write?

Me and J are a couple and we have been for almost 4 years. That's crazy. We're 21. Where does the time go?

I don't miss you, P. You ruined a lot of things for me. Your family don't like me and it's your fault. You pretend you are perfect and let your mum coddle you. Because of that, and the fact J doesn't, means she thinks I'm taking him away from her. I'm not.

You asked me to break up with my boyfriend for you. You were my BEST FRIEND. My boyfriend is your twin brother. Like you would really date me after that? Knowing I was kissing you how I once kissed him? Holding you and hearing your heart pound like I did with him all those times?

Going to university was the best thing that happened to you and I because it separated us.

You were my best friend and you told me you could rape me if I didn't leave him for you.

Why would I want you? You are nasty and you are bitter and I feel sorry for your girlfriend.

Besides getting me away from him, university has been the worst time of my life. It isn't always fun and the best years of your life. I appreciate having more free time than I ever would with a job, but having to pour hours into writing essays on a subject you aren't passionate about? It's draining.

I still try to be positive. I guess this looks like my outlook on life is significantly more dull; I saw more sunshine and rainbows when I was 17. But that's good, life should be all happiness, boys and butterflies when you're a teenager. 

I have learned a lot in these 4 years, I think when giving an overview it seems like life has harshened me.

I was happier 4 years ago, I hadn't been hurt yet. I think though even with the power of hindsight and the crap P put me through...I would do it all again. I love J. I want a life with him. One day I know I will be writing a little message here to even more future Molly about how I am having his baby and how excited I am to meet the product of our love. 

And I am excited. I want a future and a life with the man I love, but it isn't like we haven't had our ups and downs.

I'm meaner now.

I resent myself for it. 

We are comfortable; he is my best friend and he knows me better than he knows himself.

He also knows how to hurt me. He doesn't stand up for me or choose me when it matters.

I think part of me resents him for that. And I can't always stop myself from showing it.

I opened up to him with my past of disordered eating.

I've been called fat since I was 9, hated my body since i was 6. I remember. My nan is always quick to comment on my weight and even though sometimes it's positive, if I lose weight, it's just a painful reminder that in some ways, my worth is tied to my weight.

In 2020 i stopped eating and lost 3 stone. Great, I was happy with that.

When I went off to uni in Sept. 2020 I met something new called Binge Eating. I have always been a boredom and comfort eater, but this was different. I had no control and I couldn't stop. I gained every pound I had lost and more.

I managed to stop binge eating but being in a healthy and new relationship was also bad for my wasitline. 

We would always eat together; going out for dinners or lunch or getting a takeaway. But it made him happy that I would finally eat with him, and would always reassure me that I was beautiful...So I relaxed. I finally felt happy and confident with myself.

Then he told me that I'm fat. He wishes I was skinny, my thighs are too big and my 'double chin' is unattractive and off-putting. And my breasts are too small. I'm too big where I shouldn't be and too small where I should be.

Great.

I don't think I will ever be able to fully forgive him for that one. It feels like no matter what he says or how he acts, deep down I will always know what he truly thinks of me.

I am disgusting.

We are great together and I know this.

We are soulmates and best friends and usually we get along so well. My family always says that he loves me so much and it's so obvious. I wish it felt so obvious to me. 

I am of course missing out the good, but in recent years I have been struggling with depression again. I am comfortable in my room doing my thing, I struggle to go out. J loves walking and being outside. In theory I do too. But I also don't. It also reminds me and makes me painfully aware that I'm unfit and I am gross. Too gross to be with a slim boy. Let alone in a situation where it shows how unfit I am.

2 years ago T's girlfriend S came into my life. I love her. I never had a sister and now I do. She really is a girl's girl. She is beautiful and kind, compassionate and intelligent. She will lift you up and never talk about people badly in terms of looks. Personality is fair game and I respect that. I can't wait for us to have a future like modern family; so close with our kids being best friends, and an open door policy at all times. Looking ahead is exciting.

Mum and dad got me a steam deck for Christmas alongside so many other things. I am still so eternally grateful and i know i am lucky.

I can't even begin to list what else I got, but I think I have pictures.

We lost grandad nearly 2 years ago and granny nearly 1 year ago,

He didn't see T turn 18. He didn't see me turn 21. He didn't see us pass our driving tests.

He won't see me get my own house. He won't see me get married. He won't see my children.

I miss him.

I passed my driving test in December 2022 and in August 2023 I got the rats I always wanted.

I'm in the process of moving a lot of my things into storage because I need more space in my bedroom. I think I may even be removing the carpet, repainting and redecorating/refurnishing some parts.

See how lucky I am?

This is all so brief because I have things to do and there are so many memories in my head that I can't even order the thoughts in my head to logically get them out...I think that's apparent because all of this writing is  a bit all over the place. But it's okay.

I am blessed and lucky. I am grateful. I love my family and I know they love me.

I think I'm happy.

Where will I be in another 4 years?

Another Update to my Life

 Hi again! This update would come as quite a shock, if I read this when I posted my last one in January...Molly you had a lot to come.

So yeah, back in January I confessed to my crush, P, and as you know it didn't entirely go well. But his twin brother, J, technically my "ex"..well I've always had a soft spot for him ever since I've known him. And that is a looong time now. We've been friends since we were 12, and we're 18 now.

But anyway I have such updates on that front....

So of course coronavirus is a thing. A nice global pandemic that killed my final year of high school several months short. Finished officially on the 20th March 2020, instead of going on study leave in May and sitting A Levels / officially leaving in June/July. But, I didn't have to do a levels, so a lot of stress has been saved there. A small blessing in disguise on that front, anyway.
I will admit though, I cried when I realised it was all over. I wasn't looking forward to leaving anyway, partly because school was familiar, and even though I didn't like school, I saw my friends every day, and more importantly, I got to get the train and see J & P every day. I thought, "we're really good friends, but are we the kind of close where we will actually stay in contact?"

A week or two before schools closed nationally - 12th March 2020 both J and P told me they liked me. That was a weird and good day. At that point, I kind of had got over P because I was humiliated when he turned me down. But J..lets be real, it's always been me and him. P is my best friend and I love him dearly. But there's something about J.

Anyway school ended and around the 23rd March we went into a full country wide lockdown. Seeing as I had hours and hours of new free time, I got closer to J and P. Especially P. We texted all day every day and played dumb games - days full of Hearthstone and Minecraft, the occasional chess - and Texted all night and stayed up until the eaarly hours of the morning...woke up late morning or early afternoon, and repeat. And I would play a lot of games, a lot of civ and chess and sometimes minecraft with J and text him all night. Honestly I got a bit stir crazy at times but those were the best times of my life. 
I got upset now and again because texting people is great but it isn't the same as being physically around them. I missed J and P because they were the only people that mattered to me at that point. 

That was my life for a good few months. At this point, me and James had confessed to eachother, we talked about doing stuff when we got out of lockdown, basically it was certain it was going to go SOMEWHERE. Well 25th May 2020 - we officially used labels so that is our day for anniversary :)

When lockdown restrictions were eased we met up, I went to *his hometown* a few times, he dragged me many miles on those days..and it was damn hot in the height of summer!! He came to my village too and we did considerably less walking, lol. It evolved and we did less walking in his as well. We found secluded spots in the woods to play on the switch and just be together and it was wonderful.

When restrictions eased a bit more, he came to my house a bunch. We basically laid on my bed all day lol, played some skyrim and did a lot of cuddling if im honest. 

I went to his house a couple of times and yeah more days spent on his bed, haha. I also forced him to watch a shit ton of kpop videos and he was showing a genuine interest because it's something I love. That's one of the ways he is so great..he listens to me and shows he cares because he remembers even the little things and he shows genuine interest in what I love and share with him.
Like..I was floored recently because he remembered the Chinese order I always get from my Chinese. I said it in passing like once :)

Anyway because we spent increasing amounts of time together and this time was spent being physically close, I got more and more attached to him. I definitely fell hard for this boy. 

We're at uni now and it hasn't got in the way. As of today, Sunday 8th November 2020, we have been on facetime for 2 straight months, since I came to uni at the beginning of September. We've seen eachother every weekend possible (which is why the current lockdown of 2 weeks is kind of hitting hard. i miss him.)

I love him so much and I am so happy. He just shows me that he loves me too. 11 months ago I so did not see myself being where I am now, but I wouldn't change a thing for the world.

I am of course missing bits out. There's P's jealousy and our arguments, theres all the kpop albums I gained, all the signed ones I got, our family trip to Brighton/Weymouth, Animal crossing's release, my 18th birthday, many happy days I won't remember all the details about, but I wnanted to make an overview. 2020 has been one hell of a year, and things have been weird and taken away from us, but 2020 has been my year and I would do it all again in an instant. I currently would not change a thing.

I am happy. I am content. I am grateful. And I am so, so, so lucky.

Don't you forget it.

And don't forget how back in March, J got off the train at my stop to walk home with me in the rain while my family were getting haircuts, and I walked him up to Leighton Moss and he went home from there. I love this boy and what he is willing to do for me. I hope to repay that and show him how much he means to me. 

Oh and all the times I got off at his stop! And the last day...how the train was late (ironic and hilarious) and I got to spend time with just J and P at the train station until we got the 5:48 and the train was empty bc corona...and me and J held hands for the first time.

this year was crazy and I'm likely to remember it all for how odd it's been, but just in case...

Don't forget this year.

I look forward for what is to come. I year for the past. I want to go back to the lockdown days..but I need to focus on the future. It's scary because I don't want things to change, but it's also exciting because I have so many experiences ahead.

An update to the shitshow that is this blog

more than anything, obviously this is just a post for me.
today, 27th January 2020, it is quite a sobering day. I'm off school ill and Im having quite a lot of time to think and reflect, especially since I'm visiting a lot of things I enjoyed when I was younger, namely this blog for one.
I obviously know that nobody comes here, it's just a dead little corner of the internet, but its my dead corner and I feel like in 5, 10, 20 years if I come to reminisce I will appreciate having made the time to make an update for myself

because time is weird, and you will never be able to remember every single day that you have lived.

last night, I texted the boy that I have a crush on, and I told him how I felt. oh we have some weird history we do, and I've liked him on and off for around 3 years now. unfortunately I was met with the reality that he likes our friendship, and considering we will be leaving school in a few months and buggering off to uni this year, I seriously think that he was speaking sense that its better to not change anything. I won't lie and say that I'm not upset, but also I think now I have to accept the truth, and I will be able to move past this crush and realise what a great friendship we have. honestly I think I can say he is my closest friend and he knows more about me than ANY of my other friends do. I share everything with him, he knows all my secrets, and he always always always has my back, no matter what. I love him dearly but maybe I love his presence and it is our special friendship that we have. thank you for everything P, I don't think you'll ever truly know how much you mean to me, how grateful I am, how much I enjoy our time together.
I got a little sad and cried a bit this morning, because it hit me that I do only have a matter of months left on the train. god damn, these people that I've been forced into being friends with because we get the train, im so fucking glad this happened. no matter how much I may rant about the train, you guys really do make it more bearable. its weird to think how different we all are now, at age 17 nearly 18, compared to us age 12 when we became friends. I really can't believe how fast high school has really gone, and im excited to move onto the next chapter of my life, honestly, I want to move to Japan and the future holds great things, I know it. but as much as I hate school and want to leave, this place has been my life for almost 7 years and that's no small thing. the day we leave for good is going to be a really weird day, and I already know I will be highly emotional, hell its certain that I will cry.
I hope I can meet up with you lot again. nowadays its easy to stay in contact with people, and considering that you were such a big part of my life, I dont want you to be doomed to staying just a part of my memories. I would even like to see you in 10 years time when we may be married and have families of our own. it will be so weird but I know you all have such bright futures ahead and I would Love to be able to see how far you will have gone.
summer term 2017 was probably the best time of my life and I would give anything to get to relive those raw and pure emotions again.

I had dark times in the past and I was definitely too young to be going through that, but with the power of hindsight I had such amazing people around me and im glad that I didn't give up. if 11 year old me could see what I've lived through, she would be shocked. but I like to think that she would appreciate that because of the bad times, these happy times now feel so much sweeter.


I genuinely know I am so lucky. im blessed with great friends and my family are amazing. yeah my brother stresses me to hell but he talks to me and im certain that he trusts me.
and thanks to my parents I have been lucky enough to have so many great experiences.
29/03/2018 Fall Out Boy with standing tickets in Manchester arena. god damn, my heart aches for my little emo soul. if in 2015 I knew I would be able to do that, I think I would have cried for weeks.
2019; Jesus Christ, the honest to god best year of my life, and I know it will keep improving.
2019 was a year of personal growth, discovery and more. I got more into KPOP, and discovered more than BTS, even though I still love them with my whole heart.
27/02/2019 I would have gone to MAN WITH A MISSION. but sadly I was ill and unable to attend
8/05/2019 I got to meet ONE OK ROCK!!! and due to my VIP early access tickets, I was at the very front. holy shit, I won't ever get over it.
2/06/2019 - what can I say? I went to BTS day 2 concert in WEMBLEY. and my poor dad not only did he drive me there, wait in a queue for 3 HOURS for the pop up shop, but he waited patiently outside of Wembley while I was experiencing the best moments of my life. I give him so much shit and he really doesn't deserve it. I love you, dad.
June/July 2019; I got a SIGNED BTS PERSONA ALBUM.
around 15/08/2019 I got a SIGNED DAY6 BOOK OF US ALBUM. Bought with my birthday money.
25/10/2019 I got to meet Brian Dechart and ROGER CLARK AKA ARTHUR MORGAN at MCM comic con London. I was shaking so hard for Roger, he was so sweet and took the time to actually talk to me, and he hugged me. I could cry thinking about it.
Christmas Day 2019, not only did I get a lot of amazing presents, including KPOP albums, pop vinyl, and manga, but I got a Nintendo Switch!!!
Jan. 2020, mum has bought me so much, Im going to see SuperM on 28/02/2020 with Daisy, Mum preordered Animal Crossing New Horizons for me, she bought me RingFit Adventure, and Taemin version of SuperM. im so lucky. and dad bought me THE WHOLE SHIKI MANGA SET. IVE BEEN WANTING TO FIND THIS FOR 2 Y E A R S, goddamn im so happy.
thanks to mum and dad my manga collection has grown significantly, too.

I am so lucky and eternally grateful for the opportunities that I am given and experiences that I get. I try to stay positive because life is a beautiful thing and I am extremely fortunate.


Thank you for everything, and considering it has been nearly 4 years since I last wrote here, if I continue this trend, I wonder where ill be 4 years from now. I hope that I can keep having such good fortune and that my outlook is equally as positive.

Catch Up

Heyyy
I haven't really posted in a while, properly. Which is a shame, because I know that nobody reads this anymore, my peak was 2014, but I just enjoy blogging and letting things out and venting, keeping track of important things in my life :)
But anyway!! Year 10 is actually going really really well. I actually love school at the moment. Tbh this term is becoming the best time of my life. Because:
In the morning, I get to get the train with a lot of my friends from the boys' school, and in my friendship group is my crush, so..what's not to love? And I've convinced him to take a detour and come to school with me on his way to school, so that's great tbh. Then school is actually so good??? Most of my teachers are great (I love history so much, I am SO glad I took it for GCSE. My teacher is INCREDIBLE. He's so fun, he makes lessons so great) And I'm getting on with everyone in my form more than ever, I'm coming out of my shell a bit. It only took 3 years!! And at the end of the day I get the train, so I get nearly an hour with my crush. Then I get home, and there is nothing wrong with being at home!! So everything is in a perfect cycle<33

Anyway there isn't much actually going on in my life tbh, apart from my crush is very cute and we're really good friends, which is great because I get to be myself completely around him, and we mess about and it's so fun.


Oh, and clowns!! It's official - they've been sighted very close to where I live. yayyy.

Anyway, Love you all.

Stay safe

Cheerio ~
Molly

School

Hiiiiiya

So literally the last post I did was about starting school again last year, going into year 9..oops. Well now I'm doing a short and sweet one about starting school next Thursday, going to year 10 hahaha im scared..anywayys
gtg
cheerio-molly

Hello!

Hi, Hey and Hello :33
so
I have not posted in a very long time. Not properly, anyway. So I thought I would comepletely update my blog, and include my mASSIVE love for Dan and Phil. Because I am 100% trash and ugh I am at a point where my life is phan and that's all there is. And sad bc I can never meet them.
Anyhow, an update on my actual life bc why not!

I have had friends on here on msp but I have never had a friendship like the one I have now. With Star, James and Emmy.
(MSP users: !BlackButterfly dragracer2011 and Emotionic)
They are my best friends and always will be. This isn't "just an internet friendship", as we are actually meeting in real life, and we have future plans. I love these people more than anything in the world and I'd do anything for them, and I mean it.
So yeah, mess with them, then you mess with me.

Anyway I am a massive bore, lmao. So I shall disappear,


Have my favourite emoji.

cheerio! ~Molly

News

Okay hey guys! Death of a Bachelor has been out for like a week and omg I think I am in love!! Hehe. Also about a week ago we got a kitten!! He is nearly 10 weeks old, he is black and he is called Felix <333333333 so
My backup, ThePoisonedYouth has only been on msp for a month. And it's level 16. O-O
alSO Right. I am so happy omg
I GOT TO LEVEL 30. DREAM LEVEL BABY, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! XDD
Anyway that's all for now, see you!
Cheerio
-Molly